By Jonathan Shropshire
I’ve applied my heart to know wisdom. The inner battles and struggles that I’ve faced were so unspeakable that I had a hard time sharing it with my wife. Afraid that my questions would shake her. Afraid of rejection. Afraid to be known. This lie has been used on believers since the garden of Eden, the same garden where Eve was deceived. I find myself falling for the same lies. Did God really mean what He said? Does He have a purpose for your life? Is He good? Have you served Him for nothing? Did you waste your time trying to serve others?
How easy it is to fall, once you’ve slipped. How easy it is to drown, once you’ve begun to sink. I’ve walked with Christ for 23 years and I’ve never found myself in such a precarious place. It was as if I hadn’t known the Bible at all. It’s as if I never entrusted my soul in his loving hands. This place is foreign, yet familiar. There have been seasons of discouragement. Seasons where I’ve felt forsaken. Even seasons that I’ve walked away from my allegiance to the King. This season was different.
My heart longs for God though my mind questions His truths. My soul longs for God, yet I wrestle with His love for me. Does my doubt make me an unbeliever? Was I ever a believer in the first place? Who did I serve? Is there another god that has been leading me to this point of revelation? Absolutely not. This is what happens when we refuse to die to ourselves. This is the slow cooking of sin. This is what happens when the Lord draws us closer and we choose idols as a substitute for joy. We exchange temporary happiness for eternal joy. There are a number of exchanges so we have to ask, how much are we willing to exchange for our soul? How many deliberate times do we walk out of the door without self examination, before we fail to recognize ourselves?
This is what I have learned. God is good! His mercy endures. He is not so fragile that our doubts bruise His supremacy. Not weak that our confusion crushes Him. His grace allows me to doubt. Oh, that I might fall in love again. That my relationship doesn’t become mundane. That I return to my first love. I’ve begun reading my bible again. Enjoying God’s Word once more. One thing is for sure. My time to decrease has come. The flesh has reigned far too long, influenced far too many choices. Holy Spirit, I die to myself so that I may delight myself in you once again.
